Our Results

Yesterday, Paul and I awoke very early. It was the day we had been patiently waiting for. It was the day of our pregnancy test. We began our morning with an Americano from Caribou Coffee, the place where our story first began. In case you don't know, Paul and I met each other and fell in love at Caribou Coffee. So, of course it was the perfect start to our day.

We arrived at the St. John's Hospital lab at 7:45a.m. After getting registered, I had my blood drawn, and we took a seat in the waiting area. We were told we would receive our results in as little as 20 minutes. As we sat there nervously rocking in our oversized chairs, time seemed to stand still. 20 minutes started to feel like 20 hours. My heart felt as if it might leap out of my chest. I extended a hand to Paul and apologized for it being cold and damp, only to realize that his was just as clammy. Not knowing what else to do, I reached in my purse for our index cards with Scripture on them. I gave half the stack to Paul and kept the other half for myself. I looked at him and said, "I know reading these won't change our results, but it will help us process whatever they may be." So we took turns encouraging each other with God's Word, and for those 5 minutes, the butterflies in my stomach weren't nearly as prevalent.

After about 25 minutes, the lab tech handed the receptionist a slip of paper and we were told that our results were in. That one piece of paper contained vital information about our future hopes and dreams. Paul stood, took a deep breath, and walked over to the receptionist. Without any words, she handed him the paper, and Paul began to peruse our results. I knew by the expression on his face and his staggering footsteps, that our results were not what we had hoped for. He handed the piece of paper to me and it took me a moment to interpret the numbers. I knew that my hcg level should be at least 30 and mine was a meager 5. The fact that there was any amount of hcg in my blood was probably because of the hcg booster shot that I was given on the day of my transfer. Our hearts ached and we stared at the piece of paper for what seemed like forever. Maybe that 5 would turn into a 50 if we stared at it long enough. It was worth a try.

Negative, again...and again, and again, and again. This is our fourth failed implantion, and even though we are seasoned pros, it doesn't get easier to hear, "no." It still hurts and it doesn't make sense. How can 8 seemingly excellent quality embryos all fail to implant? Even though we have been told in the past that this is not uncommon, it still doesn't seem right. What if there is something else preventing our embryos from implanting? It's difficult not to blame yourself, when your embryos don't appear to be the problem. So, we have some questions for my doctor. Neither one of us feel comfortable transferring any more of our embryos without further investigation regarding our reoccurring implantation failure. My uterus appears to be healthy on the outside, but there could be something abnormal on the inside that is preventing implantation. One of the ways to view the inside of the uterus is by having a hysteroscopy performed. I plan to ask my doctor if this is a possibility for me, so that we can ensure that my uterus is healthy.

I know some of you are wondering how we are holding up emotionally and spiritually. Truth be told, we are sad, frusterated and confused, all of which can be expected. Our hearts are broken. We are grieving the loss of our embryos and this chance to be parents. We truly hoped this would be our time, and it just felt like it would be. Each failure seems to increase the plausibility that we will not achieve our dream of pregnancy and parenthood and that is tough. Spiritually speaking, God is still our Rock. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will separate us from Him. Satan would love for this thing called "infertility" to destroy us, and we do not deny the potential that it could. But our source of strength and hope is rooted in God and who He is.

We will update again after we talk with our doctor. We love you and are grateful for your support.