Time to be authentic

When I started this blog almost a year ago, my intentions were to share our infertility journey with you, complete with the ups and downs, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Sharing the latest accomplishment or victory comes easy, but I cannot be authentic if I don't share my doubts and fears as well.

I wish that I were not struggling to remain hopeful, but the truth is, I am. While Paul has this strong sense of peace that all is well with our baby(ies), fear has worked it's way into my mind and I am plagued with the persistent question "what if..." Why do I feel this way? I think mostly because I don't "feel pregnant", so logically, I must not be, right? Maybe it's my hormones or maybe it's that crafty devil?! It's easy to play the blame game instead of taking ownership of our own choices. The fact remains that I still have a choice. I don't have to give way to my hormones or the fear that the devil has dangled in front of me...but I have. I have allowed fear to take over and it has robbed me of celebrating this miracle that God has blessed us with. I'm in a mindset that only the Lord can deliver me from and that is what my heart's cry is this evening.

Lord, forgive me for allowing doubt and fear to replace the joy that you have given me. I'm asking you to "Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." (Psalm 51:10,12)

I love this song and it is one that we played for our embryo transfer and on the day we found out we were pregnant...I need to hear it now, too.

Help me Believe

Nichole Nordeman

Take me back to the time
When I was maybe eight or nine
And I believed
when Jesus walked on waters blue
and If he helped me I could to
If I believed

Before rational analysis and systematic thinking
robbed me of a sweet simplicity
When wonders and when mysteries
were far less often silly dreams
and childhood fantasies

Help me believe
'cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
much better by closing my eyes
and I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
to touch an Angels wing
and I would be free
Help me believe

When mustard seeds made mountians move
a burning bush that spoke for you
was good enough
when manna fell from heavens high
just because you told the sky to open up

Am I to wise to recognize that everything uncertain
is certainly a possibility
When logic fails my reasoning
and science crushes underneath
The weight of all that is unseen

Help me believe
'cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
much better by closing my eyes
and I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
to touch an Angels wing
and I would be free
Help me believe

When someone elses education
plays upon my reservation
I'm the first to cave
I'm the first to bleed
If I abondoned all that seeks
To make my faith informed and chic
Could you?
would you?
show your self to me?

That's all I have for now, just keepin' it real, as painful and humbling as that may be.

Love,

Gretchen, Paul and the tots