Our Hope is in Heaven

We had our 3rd ultrasound last Thursday, July 8th, 2010. We went into this appointment full of joy and excitement as we anticipated seeing our babies move for the first time. Words cannot accurately describe what we felt when our doctor showed us Baby A, who was not only not moving, but no longer had a beating heart. Baby A measured 8 weeks and 5 days (20 mm), about a week behind, but it had measured small from the beginning. Our doctor suspected little A stopped growing sometime within the last week. Our hearts are broken that we will not get to hold this miracle, but we are comforted knowing that our Father in Heaven is holding Baby A now. Still...we are grieving the loss of our baby...the loss of Baby B's sibling. Yet, even in the midst of this pain, we are grateful for the 7 weeks the Lord granted us with Baby A.

Through tear filled eyes, our doctor continued with our ultrasound and it appears that Baby B is thriving and doing quite well. Little B was quite active, wiggling it's tiny arms and legs, which was the most amazing thing we have ever seen. I'm not sure that either one of us has felt such a dichotomous of emotions. Our hearts were pounding with joy for our vibrant Baby B, but aching for the loss of little A. We are so incredibly grateful for Baby B. The loss of Baby A has given us an even greater appreciation for the time that the Lord blesses us with Baby B.

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21

The following photos and lyrics are a tribute to our precious Baby A. We have decided to keep our bunny, Hope, in memory of Baby A and will make a new animal for Baby B. We named her Hope before our transfer even took place and now she is in Heaven, where our Hope will always be...we love you little A.

"With Hope"

by Steven Curtis Chapman

(track 1 playing on the blog)

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Baby B: pics and videos

Baby B is the size of a kumquat, a little over an inch

Measuring 26.8 mm, B is right on track for growth :)

Heart rate is 179 bpm

Baby B, 10 weeks

Little B :)

My amazing ultrasound technician...yes, we went in to check on baby B on Sunday while Paul went in to do some extra cases at work ;)

Video taken at our clinic last Thursday of Baby B :)

Here is how I'm feeling in the nausea department:

I have officially graduated from my RE's clinic and have my first appointment with my OB on Thursday, July 15th. My RE said my progesterone and estradiol levels are good, so I am no longer on the progesterone shots, but am still on another form for a month. I have 2 more estradiol shots and then I will be shot free! I still continue to spot, which is quite frustrating. My activity is limited with the recent loss and the almost constant spotting. I do wish things were different, but they are not. It's a daily decision to trust the Lord and His plans for this baby. We love little B so much already, but it is with God's strength that we pray for God's will to be done, whatever that may be.

Your prayers are coveted for our hearts to remain peaceful.

With love,

Paul, Gretchen, & little B