In November of 2007, we met with an Ob-Gyn. After running all the usual blood tests, everything came back normal and my doctor didn't see any reason why we couldn't get pregnant. I told him I was concerned about having endometriosis and inquired about having the surgery done for the official diagnosis. His response was that we should keep trying until it had been a year and if we still were not pregnant, then, he would perform the surgery. February of 2008 came and we still we were not pregnant, so I had the surgery scheduled. After the surgery, my doctor diagnosed me with stage 1 endometriosis (scale of 1-4: 1 is minimal and 4 being severe) and he didn't think that this would prevent us from getting pregnant.
Great news, right? I still felt uneasy and began to look for a Reproductive Endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in infertility) to give us a second opinion. I found a clinic in Portland, OR, just 20 minutes away, that I was interested in checking out. I felt hopeful as I scanned the pages on their website and I had a feeling that the RE at this clinic was a Christian. Around this time, I had also been praying for God to send me some friends to share this journey with. I was desperate for an infertility support group. The Lord faithfully provided a contact within a couple weeks of a gal at church who was just getting ready to start up a support group. We connected over coffee and our stories shared many similarities. I felt relieved to talk with someone who understood my pain first hand. That same night I discovered that the RE I was interested in seeing was her RE as well and she verified that he was a Christian. All answers to prayer.
My first appointment with him went well. He asked me all kinds of questions regarding my cycle history and took down pages of notes as I talked. Then he shared with me the seven most common causes of infertility and walked me through each one. After that, he told me that he was pretty sure I had 2 of the 7 causes working against me in our attempts at achieving pregnancy. Finally! Someone believes that there is a problem and maybe, just maybe, he can help fix it, so that we can become parents. He was concerned that although I appeared to be ovulating each month, perhaps I was not a strong ovulator, so it was essential to make sure my egg was maturing appropriately and then triggering to release it. I had read all about this in one of my many google searches, so I felt comfortable with this plan. He said if I am still not pregnant after we perfect my ovulation, then he wanted to re-visit my endometriosis, meaning surgery all over again. He was not convinced that my diagnosis was accurate and also wanted to remove the endo that was there with a laser. I started to feel hopeful because now there was a plan in place.
In April of 2008, I had my first ultrasound monitoring done with an hCG trigger shot to release my mature egg along with an IUI (intrauterine insemination). In case you don't know, an IUI is when the doctor takes the husband's sperm, washes it, and puts it in a tiny catheter. The catheter is then carefully threaded up and placed into my uterus and then the sperm is released. My RE decided that we would have a better chance of success if we went this route, even though there were not any issues with Paul's sperm. We did this protocol for 2 months without success and then decided it was time to re-visit the endo issue. At the end of May of 2008, I had a 2nd laparoscopy done, but this time the results were very different. My RE diagnosed me with stage 3 endo (moderate), he removed it with a laser, and told us that this was definitely a key factor as to why we were not getting pregnant. Endometriosis creates a very hostile environment for the sperm and egg to live in, so fertilization is difficult and sometimes not possible. Although, he removed what he could with a laser, there is no cure for it, and it will grow back within 6-12 months.
After the surgery, we did several more IUI's, for a total of 5, none of them resulting in a pregnancy. Each time, all of our various components would look so promising, but none would come to fruition. The questions that swirled in our minds were endless, but there were never any answers. I remember feeling all the symptoms of depression, but I couldn't pull myself out of it. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, what was the point? So, for the first year and a half of our infertility journey I struggled with anger, bitterness, jealousy, and depression. I think the most difficult time in one's journey with infertility is during that first year or so. Most couples do not begin trying to start a family with doubt in their heart. No, most couples, like us, are excited and hopeful. It is such a beautiful time in your marriage, once you have decided to grow beyond just the two of you. The moment we realized that there may be a problem was when joy and innocence were replaced with fear and doubt. It hits you like a freight train. Doctors have said that when a couple has been told that they are infertile, the grief is the same as being told they have cancer.
Well meaning friends and family would try and encourage me, but their words were not received well. I knew in my head that God had a plan and that His ways were trustworthy, but my heart was broken and bleeding. I remember being angry when people would quote Bible verses in cute little cards for me. You can yell Scripture at someone until you are blue in the face, but if their heart is not open, it's a moot point. I KNEW the truth in my head, but my heart was not understanding. I couldn't force myself out of this funk...it was completely beyond my power. I was still actively attending my infertility support group, Hannah's Hope, but wasn't feeling very hopeful. Many of us in the group were struggling with anger and jealousy. Each week we would meet and one of us would get on our soapbox about how unfair it was that we weren't pregnant and we would justify the bitterness and jealousy we felt toward the fertile women in the world. We all took turns "venting," and when it was time to go, no one left encouraged, healed, or hopeful. For many of us, this was the only time we had to let loose and know we would be understood and not told, "just relax, it will happen." However, our group was in serious need of hope.
Around September of last year, my heart began to soften. A new gal joined Hannah's Hope and her faith was inspiring. I remember the night she shared her heart with our group. The Lord clearly led her to verbalize things that I needed to hear and my heart received them with joy. God spoke to me through the words of another person. She said that for years she had been praying and believing that God would bless her with a child so that she could testify that He is the God of miracles. I shook my head in agreement, as I had prayed the same prayer. Then she said, you don't need to have the blessing of a child to testify that God is the God of miracles. She went on to say, your journey through infertility will speak of God's character and faithfulness in how He has guided you and comforted you in your darkest hour. Not everyone will have a happy ending, so testifying that you were blessed with your happy ending isn't always helpful. What people who are hurting really want to know is, "how did you keep going when your world felt like it was coming to an end?" And then, you can share how God has faithfully provided for you in the midst of the storm and life's uncertainties. How he alone has comforted you and given you peace, when nothing in this world could. And that is when the light suddenly came on for me. I finally got it. Our journey through infertility testifies over and over again as to who God is and how much He loves us, whether or not we are blessed with a child. For the first time in a year and a half, my heart was filled with hope and I trusted in God's plan for us, no matter what that may entail. I realized that God allowed us to go through infertility, so that we would draw closer to Him, closer to one another, and closer to others who are hurting and need to know that God cares. I am grateful beyond words that God used my friend to help me understand this journey. I pray that God allows me to do the same for someone else, whatever journey they may be on.
Many of you know that Paul and I were blessed to try in-vitro fertilization (IVF) last February. If you are not familiar with the process, I will share what it entails. The first step was to suppress my ovaries with both birth control and a daily injection called, lupron. Lupron will turn off my pituitary gland so that I do not begin maturing any eggs. Once, I had been on these for several weeks, I went to my clinic for a suppression check to ensure that my ovaries were quiet and not actively growing any eggs and that my hormone levels were low. Then, I began taking daily injections to stimulate as many eggs to grow as possible. After several ultrasound visits to monitor growth and size of the eggs, they had matured to the appropriate size and I was given a trigger shot to get them ready to be retrieved. The retrieval is done about 30 hours after the shot is given. The eggs are retrieved one by one through needle aspiration and is quite uncomfortable. Once they were retrieved, Paul's sperm was placed in with the eggs and they were allowed to fertilize naturally. Then, we patiently waited for the phone call updates from my RE regarding our embryos. Each day, he would call and let us know how many we had and how they were growing. Once they made it to blastocyst stage (100's of cells), I went in to have 2 precious embryos put back in my uterus and they froze the other 5 for future use. To re-cap, 20 eggs were retrieved, 15 were mature, 12 eggs fertilized, and after 5 days, we still had 7 healthy embryos. We have had a total of 3 embryo transfers in the last 6 months and none of my embryos have implanted in my uterus, resulting in a pregnancy.
We do not know why we have not been blessed with children. We have discussed the whys and hows, but it is all just speculation without seeing the big picture~God's picture. I don't necessarily believe that the Lord is causing our infertility, but rather, He is allowing it to take place without intervening on our behalf. We live in an imperfect world, none of which was ever God's plan. Once sin entered the world, so did sickness and disease. Could God heal my body from endometriosis and guarantee us genetically perfect embryos? Of course He could, but that doesn't mean He will. The beauty of freewill is that we have choices and are not programmed robots. If the Lord intervened in every heartbreaking situation, where does that leave freewill? Freewill is necessary to have a genuine relationship with the Lord, which is what He desires more than anything. He wants us to freely choose to love Him. Which leads us to the next thing. If we believe that God is not causing our infertility, but is allowing it, then why shouldn't we try IVF again? The fact that our embryos looked top notch last time, but did not implant does not have to mean that the Lord was closing the door. From what I have read about embryos and heard firsthand from my RE, MANY embryos are not genetically perfect and it is normal to go through an IVF cycle and not have any perfect embryos. It can take some women as many as 3 fresh IVF cycles to get pregnant. I believe we still have a great chance at becoming parents through IVF.
So, with that said, we have decided to do IVF again!! We will be doing the bulk of my treatment in early October, but I have started my suppression already. My first and very important appt. will be on Monday, September 28th to ensure that I am completely suppressed and ready for my ovaries to be stimulated. If you feel so inclined, please pray for us. In fact, if you want to leave a comment/prayer on our blog, please do.
So, 2.5 years later and we are still in the garden of infertility. We have 2 choices: Thrive or die. We can choose to let the weeds of infertility strangle us and prevent us from growing or we can embrace our garden and bloom right where we have been planted. All plants need to be pruned in order to flourish. We trust that our gardener is pruning us through infertility, not because He is cruel or unfair, but rather, so that we can reflect His beauty.
Jesus said,
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5
WHEW! Thank you for taking the time to read some or all of this LENGTHY first entry. I promise, they will not all be this long. We will journal as things progress.
We love you,
Gretchen & Paul
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